Ho, Ho, Homely for the Holidays

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At some point someone will turn to you this holiday season and ask, “What are you getting?”

They will ask because they will see you selflessly driving from store to store, raggedly arriving at holiday parties with nary a moment to yourself, resulting in a sad sack attitude of why you even bother at all.

End this vicious cycle.  Forget the martyr girl auto response when people ask you what you’re getting and you answer, “I haven’t even thought about it.”  Don’t fall victim to the “I don’t need anything” line that only results in a measly collection of gifts that guess what, you don’t need.

For starts, always embrace the one for you, one for me rule.  Start early, and employ the rule often as possible, as though not invoking it will result in a penalty, like only drinking when you’re with other grown-ups.

Now consider who is on your list.

There is a fine line where giving people what they really need is concerned.

Take that friend with the assorted sunspots.  How about a ‘coupon’ for sunspot removal at that place in Rye Brook?  While you’re there, you could have your own sunspots removed by a hot burning device that leaves your skin charcoaled until it peels off, revealing slightly baby soft skin.  The invention of this sun damage reversal device is not unlike the invention of Confession in my Catholic early-years education that allowed a certain amount of sinning without worry, knowing that with one or two confessional ‘applications’, poof!  All gone.

You may not be able to afford to send your sister to one of the best plastic surgeons around over   in Rye for that droopy breast problem you noticed she has, since approximately $8,000.00 may not be in your budget and temporarily having her current breasts removed, if only for a moment, is not in her plans, you can march right into the Main Hosiery Shop on Mamaroneck Avenue and ask for Mary the owner who will tell you to unzip your coat, poke around appropriately and send you into the dressing room.

Moments later you will emerge 10 years younger below your neck area.  You can do all of this for your sister, friend and yourself since if you buy two bras right now for around $34.00, you get a third one free!

Naturally it’s to everyone’s advantage to be in a best shape possible heading into this gluttonous season and then the self-recriminating New Year.

Give and get your gift early over at a gym having a 2- for 1 personal training session. Of course you need to be a member to take advantage of these offers, but what better excuse to join a gym then to have a new body plan gift beckoning your guilty not-so-fit conscience?

Let’s not forget to celebrate the season with real down time.  My latest e-mails from Red Door Spas announce, Kim, Meaningful and Memorable Gifts!

They know who I am because my husband bought me a day at the Red Door last year which included everything from the hot stone massage to the Elizabeth Arden Essential Facial.  Over at The Westchester Mall, you can be sure your gift recipient will lose herself in the dimly lit halls, where you shuffle about in a robe and slippers, eating alone in the dark while strangers whisper to you as though you were mad.  Of course you can be specific about the service you purchase for someone, like Lactic Acid Peel for face/neck and décolleté posted under Face add-ons, but nobody likes gifts that are too suggestive.

I mean what woman was ever really thrilled with the brand new washer and dryer for Christmas?  My husband would have found himself taking a spin in the quick dry cycle but clearly husbands are not as dumb as they used to be.

I also like a Spa in Larchmont for that 60 minute detoxifying scrub and wrap, ($110.00) or if facial fillers like Juvederm at $500.00 to $600.00 a tube are out of your budget for that collapsing cheekbone problem, consider the Oxygen Therapy, 75 minutes, series of 6 for $1,100.00 for a temporary pumped up look.

Being selective and thoughtful about each recipient is the key to the perfect present.

The great actress Catherine Deneuve once said, “You either take it in your face or your ass,” pardon the French, but as the once Face of France, she knew whereof she spoke.  The translation from the French as I understand it is, if your rear end has a life of its own, chances are your face won’t yet be a tambourine.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with the sending of food or wine particularly if you will be there when the ‘gift’ arrives.

On GiltTaste.com/holiday, you can mend any bad cook’s ways by ordering up the D’Artagnan, Charcuterie selection of dry-cured Spanish Mangalica and classic pates.  Don’t forget the French cheeses!  And a standing rib roast from New York’s star butcher, Pat La Frieda.  Prices may vary as will availability unless you know just when this offer actually is.

Lastly, what home is complete without a Zagat Wine selection, 15 bottles for $69.99, worth $219.99?

Land yourself at this party on the late side.  In the event you haven’t taken the time to partake in all the generous offerings you have purchased for others, chances are no one will notice.

 

Kim Berns is a writer and interior designer living in Rye.

 

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